just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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