can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
