did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
