I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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