ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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