So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
