dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
