Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
