When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
