I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
