I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
