planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
