He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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