She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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