I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
