I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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