My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
