Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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