I want to have your abortion
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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