I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
