i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
