But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
