I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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