I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can I color on your dick again?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
