She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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