My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I feel like abortions should bother me more
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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