I must be too annoying 4 u.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
