hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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