Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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