im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
