I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
