so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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