I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
