im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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