He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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