Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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