There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Four minutes until I can fart!
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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