Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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