you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
