Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Less talking, more tequila
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
