Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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