It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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