so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
