so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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