My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
