If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
