just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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