Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
it's like heaven, but drunker
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dicks are not precious.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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