At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Randomize
