I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
