It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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