Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
